Who I Was...

I was afraid ... not only of failure, but also of success. Yes, success! I didn't fear the successful outcome itself, I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone that would lead me to the outcome. The unknown, even if potentially successful, was more frightening than sticking with what I knew ... average and mediocre.

I was angry ... not of negative outcomes, but more about not challenging myself, knowing it would lead me to growth. This anger affected all of my decisions, often becoming cycles of negativity, angering me even more. This cycle felt like a tornado, impossible to escape.

I was insecure ... about what you thought, they thought, and what I thought of myself. I felt insecure about my physical and internal makeup. I knew that you were talking negatively about me the second I walked in the room, and would continue after I left. The mirror - oh that damn mirror! It made sure I never broke loose from my mental handcuffs.

I lacked confidence ... not of what I knew, but of anything I didn't specialize in. Good wasn't good enough - great was the only answer. And because great is difficult to achieve, that lack of confidence was felt daily. Unfortunately, it affected all that i did, very often keeping me from experiencing necessary growth. I never understood confidence was a choice. I was a slave to it's sense of humor.

I was selfish ... I only cared about myself and what would further my specific situation. Your feelings didn't matter, unless it helped my cause. Being a professional athlete is a selfish path, but I didn't know (or cared to learn) how to turn off the switch at home. Self-absorbed was my way of thinking, speaking, and acting.

Good news: Who I was then doesn't dictate who I am now, or who'll I become tomorrow. I changed due to my unrelenting need for growth. I am 1%, in all sense of the meaning. You?