It's Not What It Seems

I did It... It was changed... It became new, saying goodbye to the old, stale It.

I've come to realize over the last few weeks that I can change It ~ if, and only if I make a conscious decision to do so. My It needs to stay private for now, but I will tell you I thought It was going to be with me forever, unable to become new and different. I didn't think I had any control over It, making me hostage to It's behavior (and the behavior it created inside of me, making me lash out at those I love).

Sound familiar? Does your It feel similar?

It has been slowly growing, becoming somewhat out of control... or so I thought. "Out of control" is an illusion, though, as I've recently learned. It could, and will be controlled, therefore saving a hugely important part of my life. It was making me ugly, and making me look ugly to specific people who are close to me. Up till now, I simply thought,

"It's how It's going to be, so live with It... or move on."

I no longer think this way about It. I understand It CAN be wrangled, but It must be a conscious decision every single day. It can be weight loss, depression, alcohol and drug abuse... whatever is handcuffing us.

I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict, who hit rock-bottom, living on skid row for many years. He said it only took him a week and a half for his body to come off the drugs, but it was his mind that held him back ~ his conscious thoughts. His day-to-day battle, he says, is to consciously make the correct decisions. He emphasizes consciously!

A few years ago, I battled through depression. It rendered me useless, making me feel like a robot: Wake up, go to work, come home, communicate with my wife with zero emotion, and go to sleep. I felt totally out of control... until that one day. It was the day I said enough ~ CONSCIOUSLY said enough. This was the day I decided to take back control, beginning with my thoughts, my conscious thoughts! No one could make this decision for me, yet everyone continued to tell me everything was going to be o.k., don't worry.

"Shut-up already! Let me be sad!" I thought. "I'll sleep as long as I want... leave me the hell alone!"

People ask me how I got to the point where I could stop being depressed. "Stop being depressed..." Funny sounding, now that I look at it this way. My answer: I would ask myself questions about my state of mind. First, how this happened. Second, what was I going to do about it. The second question (after asking it a million times) made a light go on in my head. If I could consciously ask myself what I was going to do about it, then maybe I could consciously do something about it... just maybe. That was the start of my end... my end of depression. I consciously created a new mindset. Depression would not, and could not dictate my daily actions.

(I'm not qualified to give an opinion on the use of medication for diagnosed depression, and am by no means discounting it's effectiveness).

My It was as strong as any alcohol addiction, drug or weight problem, because It controlled my every day thoughts and actions. I said to myself that what I was doing was inexcusable, and needed to be stopped, but it continued... why? Why did It keep on, even after I told It to stop? Until now, I never consciously made a decision TO stop it... to create a new way, a better way. When I made that decision, It instantly changed ~ not totally gone yet, but becoming gone, disappearing slowly with every conscious thought.

What's your It... and what are you going to do about It?

Let Me Ask...

When will it begin?

When will it end?

How did I get here?

Where will I go when I get there?

Do you ever wonder?

Do you feel like sometimes you don't know what to feel?

There are often times I see sooo much, yet know so little about what I see.

Ever been there?

Ever been to a place where you don't belong... but see someone you recognize, and ask how that happened?

He's not more "ready," is he?

Yes, he is... know why?

Because he said he is, and didn't ask any questions.

Have you ever wanted to ask, but didn't due to fear, nerves, confidence, or lack thereof?

Why?

Actually, why not?

Will there be a day, a moment, a frozen piece of time where we say, "yep... knew I was right!"

Can we expect to understand what we never will?

I don't know how... only when.

You see it, believe it, do it, but never achieve it.

That sounds wrong... let me look through different lenses.

There must be times in our lives where we say enough of this ~ I'm going to forget everything I was taught, and just simply figure things out on my own. Anyone have any advice?

Teach, teach... learn, learn. Then forget it all please.

I read. No I don't. I look, listen, and adjust.

Do you know how to do the above?

Ever try?

When will I begin continuing what I wanted to start, yet never had the courage... do to the lack of fear?

Is arrogance truly dangerous, or are we too sure of ourselves when we give this advice?

I choose to believe we think we know way too much, especially about the stuff we know nothing about.

You?

I have dreams, but very often awake before the realization of their meaning.

I then walk that dream, attempting to figure out it's definition.

Can we believe without knowing what to believe.

Is that faith? Fate? Destiny?

Am I stuck in the shadows of what I've been told to believe?

Is there light where I only see dark?

Knowing ourselves: Important enough to continue searching until there isn't any searching to be done?

Will it ever be done?

Some say yes, others preach maybe... I believe it depends on us, our view of self, and what it is we're looking for.

Ask questions, any questions.

Make them obvious, create confusion... do both.

Just ask.

Answers only come after the question is asked.

Right?

You Say Tiger... I Don't!

I promised myself I wasn't going to write about this, adding to the gossip, mudslinging, and he said/she said garbage, BUT...

Since he's come out and admitted his "transgressions," and there are a ton of facts behind the initial accusations, I feel there are one or two (or 20) lessons to be learned here. Which lesson is most important to write about?

1) The simple topic of his cheating, and all the associated affects.

2) His not "owning up" to anything. Admitting his transgressions is fine, but does he have an obligation to publicly speak to his sponsors, fans, and friends? Is it o.k. to hide in his house and wait for things to blow over?

3) At least three major sponsorships that have let him go, resulting in millions and millions of dollars lost this week alone.

4) His "indefinite break" from professional golf, and what that means to t.v. ratings, money, and his fans.

5) The link he has to a Canadian Dr. who is under investigation for giving Human Growth Hormones to other athletes, as well as using them himself... allegedly.

These are all valid topics, but I choose to talk about...

6) Us, as a society, putting these athletes on pedestals, thinking they're God-like, incapable of making mistakes. Sure, everything that Tigger has done is immoral, arrogant, etc., but he IS human... an unhappy human! Trust me when I say that I've been the biggest Tigger-basher imaginable, but have realized it's because I thought of him as more than human. I bought into his image as the "perfect specimen," both on and off the golf course. I felt deceived, as if he lied to my face. He never said he was perfect ~ I was the one who jumped to that impossible conclusion.

Maybe I felt as if he let me down, personally, because I used him as an example for my students more times than I can count. "Look how Tigger does it. You want to be like him." I still stand by those words... but only ON THE COURSE! I allowed his brilliance to bleed into my personal beliefs of the man, which influenced my teaching and students' potential view of all things related to him. This isn't Tigger's fault. I'm the only one to blame. I allowed him to climb the ladder of societal perfection, and worse... taught about it.

As former NBA great, Charles Barkley said: "I'm not a role model, and don't want to be. The parents are our children's only role models."

I used to think Barkley was crazy for saying this, but now completely agree with him. I think Tigger can be a golf model, but never a role model. Admire his amazing skill in between the ropes, but stop right there. Let's not make him more than he is... human, who happened to make some horrendous mistakes, and who'll be paying (literally and figuratively) for a very long time.

Feel sorry for him ~ not for his recent actions, but because he's an incredibly unhappy man, searching for peace in all the wrong places. I don't apologize for him, and never will, but...

Without compassion, what do we have?

Ah-ha... I Get It!

I've been thinking a lot about this topic lately, and wanted to hear what you all had to say.

Such a huge part of life is about those times when the pieces just seem to fit one day ~ where you say, "Ah-ha! I get it now. That's what my mom meant... that's what my teacher was talking about." These ah-ha moments have the potential to define our future, or at the very least, help us see the potential in our future.

As I tried to define my biggest ah-ha moments, four immediately came to mind, all of which had to be mentioned.

1) Watching my girlfriend's airplane take off and fly over my head for a vacation far away from me. It was at that specific moment, I decided I was going to ask her to marry me. As she flew away, I knew I needed to be with her for the rest of my life!

2) Realizing during the first week of Logan's birth, that life was no longer only about me. It's meaning was so much deeper now. Looking in the mirror would be a completely different experience from here-on-out.

3) Understanding that creating a peaceful and quiet inner-self needed to be a top priority. I remember the light bulb turning on for the first time when I was 17 yrs. old, after switching tennis coaches. He made it o.k. to be quiet while competing, rather than a testosterone filled punk, looking for a fight around every corner. As I matured, I learned how this way of living could be translated into the real world. I battle with this "quiet self" every single day, but my goal is to simply improve one moment at a time.

4) The fourth ah-ha moment was discovered with the help of my wife (she said yes after returning from vacation ~ she couldn't possibly resist). She put me to the ultimate test, challenging me to commit to 5 things I wanted for us in the future. Sounded simple, yet 1 1/2 hours later, I still had nothing (except for the pen and blank napkin that stared at me, seemingly with a grin). This was different from the other moments, as Nothing was the true lesson... yep, old Mr. Nothing taught me that fear of failure was the real reason I sat, staring at this blank brown napkin. Nothing taught me to stop being afraid of wanting bigger and better ~ I needed to relish the challenge and risk potential failure. Nothing made it clear that failure only came when I didn't try, or quit while trying!

I'd love to hear about your "ah-ha moment(s)," and the impact they had on your life. How did it affect your friends and family, as you looked at life through different lenses?

Looking forward to reading about them.

Words Talk. Actions Speak!

If you say it, do it! If you promise, give it! If you schedule it, be there!

Stop talking about it, or making excuses for why it's not happening, or even worse... promising someone it'll get done, yet never getting around to it. "Sorry I was too busy." Enough of this garbage.

Man-up! Woman-up!

Be a person of your word, as this is all you really have after all. The commitments you make to others are the foundation of who you become... make them your bond to society. Make them lessons you will teach your kids and grandkids. Lead by example~ an example that SHOWS (not says) you understand the meaning of respect.

Look in the mirror. Are you a victim of this inaction? If so, put your foot down... draw a line in the sand and say enough! Stop settling for less than you deserve. Are you the person who constantly talks, promises, but never delivers? If yes, then stop. Stop today! Respect their time ~ it IS valuable. Respect yourself, and your personal value to others. Respect the importance of respect, and it's affects on all of us. Without it, what do we have?

If this sounds somewhat hostile, maybe it is. Maybe I've been shown a lot of disrespect lately... maybe I've been demonstrating a lack of respect, it doesn't matter. What truly does matter is that you get upset... upset at those doing it, and upset at yourself if you've allowed it to manifest through your actions.

Errr... I mean the lack thereof.

I'm So Jealous Of My Logan!

Watching my little Logan, 10 months old, furniture walk around the house this morning made me envious of her careless attitude. She thinks that nothing will hurt her, she can do anything, and nothing is impossible.

No one has preached to her, "no... that's probably too difficult. Look for something safer ~ less

painful."

She's the definition of Fearless, plain and simple! She can do anything she wants... and why not, really? She doesn't understand that she doesn't know how to walk without the help of the couch or chairs, even when she keeps falling on her butt. She only thinks that NOW WILL BE THE TIME! She will walk this time without the help from any stupid side table. If not this time, she knows with 100% certainty that the next time will be her defining moment as a 10 month old.

Don't you wish you woke up every morning with this attitude about your day? I do. I wish it was natural and instinctive to open my eyes and only be able to focus on my "defining moment," rather than the what-ifs or the could-have's. When does this fearless innocence fade away... and why does it have to? We just assume that it has to, because it always seems to. What if we were raised differently, and taught to think as if "we can walk without holding on to that couch?" How different would our current lives be? How unique would our outcomes have become?

Logan hobbles around the living room, as if to say...

"I don't care, daddy ~ it doesn't matter what happens after this next step, because I believe it'll be the one. This will be the moment where you and mommy take out the video, film me walking all by myself, and then Youtube or email it to everyone. Ready? Here I go... ouch, that hurt. Pick me up... I want to do it again!"

Look Inside

I was recently reminded of how important it is for us to look for solutions from the inside-out. After a sub-par round of golf, my friend and I were talking about ways to improve his game. His instincts were telling him to improve the mechanics of his shot, where in actuality, maybe his mechanics were off because of the way he was thinking and feeling. Many of us believe that if we fix the "outside" (mechanics and techniques), the result will immediately change. That may be true short term, but if we want to sustain that success throughout the long term, I believe the change must begin at our core. What could he have done better, emotionally? Were his thoughts too "conscious," rather than visual? These are a couple of questions I hope he asks, because his game is definitely good enough, physically, to jump to another level.

I recently lost a client, and immediately started to analyze what I did wrong, technically. My "answers" weren't good enough or my solutions didn't help him with his challenge, I thought. After more analyzing, I realized that the problem stemmed from the way I was approaching him, emotionally. In other words, I wasn't connecting with his way of thinking and how he approaches challenges. Instead, I was helping him solve his "puzzle" in the way I WOULD. Looking at this situation from the inside-out helped me recognize the real reason he left, and gave me answers, guaranteeing I wouldn't repeat that mistake.

As this relates to the business world, let's ask ourselves how we can better connect with our clients and their needs, emotionally. Too often, we fall back on selling them "deals," rather than US, and what we truly offer. Everyone is an emotional creature, and whether they realize it or not, respond to that type of stimuli. What are we doing well, and how can we make it even better for them? How can we make them feel more appreciated, and feel as if we're the best option for their specific needs?

Another example to illustrate my point, that many of us can relate to...

If we're trying to get into better shape, let's focus on why we want to become healthier, rather than only focusing on the day-to-day workouts, or the food we must eat. Yes, food and exercise are extremely important, but concentrating and visualizing on why, and what we ultimately want from our "new bodies" will sustain our long term results. Of course there will be days where we don't want to get to the gym (short term), but if we can remember to look ahead, and focus on the result that this hard work will give us (long term), we'll be more inclined to battle when "we don't feel like it."

Very often, the answer is right there, inside of us... waiting to be seen.

Take time to look.

Hello... Who Is This?

I had an interesting phone call on my cell the other day, and wanted to share it with you. The call showed up on my phone as "restricted," meaning it wasn't anyone in my phone book... which means I don't answer. I sent it right to voice mail, but he didn't leave a message. Instead, he decided to call back immediately, I guess hoping I'd pick up this time. Nope! If you're not in my book, I don't answer. Once again, no voice mail. This just made it clear that it wasn't anyone I knew, because friends and clients will always leave a message.

Three minutes later, he called back AGAIN! This time I had to answer...

The guy on the other end of the phone was someone I've talked to many times, but haven't heard from in quite awhile. He isn't big on small talk, but rather loves to cut right to the facts. He said he had an offer for me that would be difficult to turn away from. When he told me what that offer was, I must admit, I almost took the deal... but decided that I couldn't. Unfortunately, that wasn't good enough for him. He asked again, but this time he sweetened the pot a little ~ he added something that he knew I loved, but also knew contradicted my specific choice of mindset. I thought about it again for a couple of minutes, but still couldn't give in. I wouldn't allow his offer to cloud what I knew what right, and what I worked so hard to improve.

I've only known this dude by his last name, maybe because he's never told me, but mostly because I've never asked. I call him Mr. Temptation. He's a scary old guy, because he comes in so many shapes and sizes. The day of this call, he was disguised as Sabotage... Self Sabotage, specifically. He wanted me to walk away from a specific personal challenge, in order to hide from some potential disaster he said may occur. He offered me a few really tempting "prizes" to make sure I wouldn't move forward, which he understood wholeheartedly would result in a stronger, braver me! He hates when we grow power, learn strength, and realize that those "potential disasters" are usually just a figment of our imagination.

When I declined his initial offer, he added a couple more beautiful, yet illusionary gifts~ gifts that looked sweet to the scared eye, but would always turn sour after the self sabotage was realized. Sorry, Mr. Temptation... not today! I wouldn't accept your offer, as I often did in the past. I will go forward, walk the scary path in the dark, and expect to succeed when I reach the other side of that path.

I won't sabotage myself, I won't agree to take your hand, and will never answer your phone call again!

The Award Goes To...

At this time of thanks, I want to take a minute to recognize a couple women who deserve to have their wonderful blogs read... and read by lots! Of course, if you ask them, they'd both probably say awards aren't important to them ~ they just simply want to write. But they're human, which means they instinctively like to be liked, so... too bad girls... I'm giving you an award!!

I stumbled on Midnight Whisperer when I first started blogging, and instantly got hooked! Her writing is deep, sometimes dark, but always enlightening. It's incredibly emotional, reaching the core of her readers. She has a way of telling you everything about what's she's living through, but leaves you wondering and asking questions ~ not only about her, but also about yourself. She's a very talented writer, and you'll be mezmorized by what you read. Don't waste another second... go now... now, I say! http://myquasi-normalworld.blogspot.com/

I also want to acknowledge Melody at This Is Me. I swear she HAS to be my twin, lost at birth, because she has a knack for talking about what I was just thinking. Everytime I read her posts, I wish I would've come up with such brilliance. I routinely tell her I was just going to write on that subject, but thank goodness I didn't, as I'd never be able to explain it better. She's also an excellent writer, making her words come to life, allowing her readers to "feel" her life as she does~ hence the title, This Is Me. She's incredible at explaining how beneficial self awareness can be, and the next level that can be attained. Go now... now! http://spldbch.blogspot.com/

I love these two wonderful blogs, and know you will too. Thank you both for always making me think, question, and read over and over!

Dayne

Don't Be Fooled... Like I Was!

Very often, I'll have a conversation with a student that either touches a nerve, or simply makes me unable to think about anything else for a week. I was lucky enough to experience this last week.

Trying to explain to me why there wasn't any way she'd be able to win...

"The other girl is just way too talented. She was born like that!"

Is talent enough, or is there more to achieving? I've had this discussion/debate with many students and other coaches over the years, all of which come to a similar conclusion: "Who knows?"

I KNOW!! I know the answer, because I've lived it first hand.

I've listened to a countless number of "experts" talk on this topic, many of them saying that talent will always be the determining factor in one's success. To put it bluntly... BULLCRAP!!!! Most of these so-called experts haven't ever been in the trenches of competition, and never will, making it impossible for them to ever know this answer. They'll never understand what it feels like to either be such an underdog, that extreme hard work is the only way to overcome the odds... or conversely, be such a favorite, that you feel such hard work isn't necessary. I can talk on this subject with such confidence because I was the latter!

I'm the same age as Pete Sampras and Andre Agassi, two of the best tennis players of all time. When we were each 10 years old, I was easily as talented (if not more, actually) than both of them. My hand-eye coordination, athletic ability, and concentration levels were off the charts. I was hitting the ball over the net with my dad when I was 2 1/2 years old. To put that into context, look at your 3 year old son, daughter, or grandchild, and picture him doing that... not easy!

The public has always been in awe of the video of Agassi rallying with an adult on the tennis court when he was 7 or 8 years old. I was doing this at age 4! To say the least, the talent that I was born with was more than enough to launch me to the top of the tennis world~ easily, not even a question.

I say all of this, not to brag or seem arrogant... but instead, to prove to you that talent is only a tiny piece of the "success puzzle." There must be something else that we must include, on a daily basis: Blue collar, hard work! The kind of work that we wake up craving, and go to bed wishing we had more time to continue. This work ethic must come first over everything if we wish to get to that next level... that level that others are unwilling to "work" for. This level, with all my natural talent, was never going to be for me. Why? Because I wasn't willing to put in the time to reach that high. I wasn't willing to sacrifice my childhood, as Sampras and Agassi did, in order to become top 10 in the tennis world. This same sacrifice is what Agassi now blames for his incredible unhappiness growing up... but that's for another conversation.

Talent, alone will never take us to the top, whether that's athletic, business, or our personal challenges we face everyday. If we want to become the best, become the highest paid at work, or lose that extra weight, we must put in the time... EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Having that kind of commitment means we must love what we're doing, otherwise we won't continue when the pain comes... and you know the pain's coming! If we have a passion for what we're doing, we'll be willing to put in the extra time necessary to reach the levels we strive for.

Yep, I was born with an incredible amount of natural talent... but the passion needed to make that talent shine wasn't there (sorry, dad -- I know you wished I had that love). If you're the most talented at what you do, work harder than the next guy. If you're that "next guy," without the natural talent, make sure you're grinding harder and longer than the one with that talent... because if you do, you'll go farther -- guaran-freakin-teed!

Let me finish with the most obvious example I can come up with:

Look at Tiger's body compared to Phil's. Are you kidding me??!! Phil was actually thought of to be more naturally talented than tiger growing up. There were stories about Mickelson, and the unimaginable things he could do with the golf ball... but as you can see, he isn't willing to put in the same hard work as tiger, resulting in what some would say, an underachieved career.

Who would you rather be?

It's That-A-Way

"I learned to walk towards the good, rather than away from the bad."

-Andre Agassi

(Talking about his escape from Crystal Meth.)

Very often, we attempt to quit something by focusing on "stopping" what we're doing, instead of concentrating on the future replacement. It's instinct to think we must "try to lose weight," or "stop smoking," rather than saying "I want to become healthier..." When we focus our minds on what we don't want, we make ourselves think more about what we don't want... perpetuating the negative cycle. What do we want?

Agassi has recently admitted to being incredibly unhappy throughout most of his life, resulting in drug use and divorce. When asked how he overcame this Meth. habit, he said it was all about focusing on what he wanted, rather than the things that were making him unhappy. He eventually learned to "walk towards something," rather than fighting the negatives that were making him miserable.

How often do we concentrate on all the things we don't want or don't have, instead of those goals we need? Again, it's totally natural and instinctive to try and change what's holding us back... but we must begin to look at what we want, and make that our 100% focus. I'm as guilty as anyone, when it comes to allowing the negative to creep into my life, but I'm improving every day.

Are you?

If not, will you?

Denial... Living Strong!

Dear Friend (you know who you are):

Denial is a blinder. Yes, A blinder ~ singular. It makes you feel like you're seeing it all, yet in actuality, you're only seeing a tiny piece through the cracks in your fingers. Take both hands away from your face, open your eyes, and see what you're missing...

Because you're missing a lot!!

Sincerely,

Me

Courage... Got Any?

"Those who don't have the courage will always find a way to justify that fact..."

-Unknown

Who are we? Do we make excuses for why we won't try something new, or go on a limb to experiment with that thing 'they' say is impossible? Are we hiding behind the wall of fear, claiming "lack of knowledge?" The latter used to me ~ it actually brings a smile to my face whenever I think of how many times I used that excuse...

"I can't do that. I don't have enough experience to succeed, or know enough to make it happen."

Yada-freakin-yada!

Do we want change, but crawl under that blanket of self doubt? You know the one ~ it soooo soft and cuddly... so comfortable, isn't it? It looks likes our baby's blankie, but we know how ADULT it really is!

Do we long for new, yet look in the mirror and wish we weren't "stuck" in the present? Stuck is in quotes because I believe that word is an illusion, masking our potential. We justify why not all day to friends and family, but when we're alone, we know the truth... we know what we're lacking.

How about no more justifying?! Why not now? My mentor preached daily:

"If not you, then who? If not now, then when?"

So true! When are we going to stop living in fear and making excuses for what we truly desire? When are we going to become courageous enough to take that next step, whatever that means for us at this moment? It doesn't have to be an earth shattering step... it just has to be forward, and with maximum courage (or at least more than we had yesterday).

What are our kids going to say about us when we're gone? What are we going to teach them while we're still here? They'll take our lead, stepping where and how we step. They'll be staring directly in our eyes, looking for that strength they long for, hoping we can give it to them!

Courage... you got any?

Strong Enough Incentives?

I was talking with John, a new student of mine, when he told me he wanted to make some changes in his life. He said he wanted to start a new business, and get in better shape at the same time.

"Sounds great," I thought. "Now answer me this... why? What's your incentive? What's your driving force behind these potential life changes?"

His answer left me speechless:

"Ummm... I don't know."

John's in big trouble, and quite honestly, probably doesn't have a chance to reach his goals. His incentive to achieve is, well... not there.

We can do anything we want in life, but we must truly want, and have very strong incentives. If we have a strong driving force behind our wants, nothing can stop us when we hit those inevitable "walls" that we all run into. When our incentives are weak, or in John's case, nonexistent... we'll quit at the first sign of trouble.

Do we want to lose weight? Why? For our health? Or for others' ideas of what healthy looks like? If the latter is our answer, we most likely won't reach our personal goal. Our incentive must touch our core... must drive us emotionally and personally. It must be strong enough to keep pushing when negativity comes knockin'... and as we know ~ negativity will come knockin!'

Do we want to become more serious with that special someone? Is it time to finally commit? Why? Because our friends and family keep saying that if we don't go to that next level, we'll lose him/her? Or because we're truly in love, and want to take a deeper, more genuine step? Do we feel real trust and happiness for their future? Can we put our feelings on the line, risking rejection that's held us back in the past? Simply... do we want this bad enough?

What's your incentive? Does it drive your decisions, or are you settling for less... just because? Are you making decisions based only on "maybe," or you looking in the mirror and seeing true passion?

I See You, But You Don't Exist!

I'm in the midst of a huge battle within, and need your help.

My main enemy is Mr. Illusion. He keeps urging me... no, pleading with me... to hold on tight, to squeeze and not let go.

"If you allow yourself to let go of the tight grip you have on your life, you'll lose everything you've built," he shouts! "Don't let go. Squeeze those fists together. Don't let go."

This instinctively goes against what my brain, eyes and heart are telling me. I want more. I need more for happiness to continue growing, but this Illusion character is strong. He whispers fear in my ear daily... so much, that I find myself doubting why I want more.

("More" doesn't have to be anything physical or monetary. It simply means better).

I know that in order to give and receive, I must first open my fists. My palms must be clearly visible for all to see. The tension in my grip has to disappear, but more importantly, the tension that's vibrating through my family, due to this Illusion dude, must be released. I can't continue living in a state-of-squeeze, dammit!

When I think of allowing this strong grip over my life to fade away, I naturally feel the fear of all the "what-ifs" drawing near. I've grown accustom to holding on tight ~ it feels good to be in control. Mr. Illusion laughs! He knows there's no real control when I squeeze. Sure, I don't allow anything to leave, but I also don't let anything new to enter. That's not being in control... that's being controlled!

Hey, Illusion! It's you and me from now on. You won't win. You can't win. I see right through you... you don't exist!

Mount Rushmore Of Inspiration...

If you were to rebuild Mount Rushmore, based on four people that have truly inspired you, who would they be? Who changed, or is still changing your life? Who knows the challenges you've been through, and the personal battles you've fought, and was there to help? Who's still lending their hand, seeing you through these times? Who's that special?

My Rushmore would look like this:

Liane and Logan

They inspire and teach me every day. I wouldn't be who I am without the love, support and tutelage of my gorgeous wife. She amazes me with her ability to always look through selfless lenses, giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. She loves, trusts, and gives more than anyone I've ever met. My goal is to become more like her. Logan is, well... simply, my guardian angel. Her addition is a blessing beyond words. I never knew looking into my daughter's eyes would make me feel that miracles are for "realies."

Dad, stepmom, mom, stepdad

They've all inspired me in many different ways, and I have taken each of their strengths and tried to incorporate them in my life and the lives of those I teach. Their inspiration, very often goes unsaid, but is always there... and is very real. Thank you!

Rudy Ruettiger (#45)

Rudy was undersized, semi-athletic, and insanely courageous! Without any college coaches wanting him out of high school, he decided that he was going to play football at Notre Dame... one of the most prestigious programs of all time. After many, many failures and rejections, he finally made the team, was put in one game his senior year, and made a heroic play in front of thousands of screaming fans. His ability to never quit, when everyone ~ and I mean EVERYONE said he would never make the team, has been an inspiration to all who's known his story. If you haven't already, watch Rudy~ the movie made about his incredible life.

All my students, both past and present

As I've said many times before... I've learned as much, if not more, from you than you ever did from me. You are why I continue teaching, and why I strive to always improve as a person. You don't allow me to slack, and always remind me to stay discipline and focused. I've been incredibly blessed to have you all in my life, and look forward to watching your continued growth.

What's your Mount Rushmore Of Inspiration?

What Did He Mean?

A teacher of mine passed this along to me a few years ago:

"Through the process of elimination, we create a process of illumination."

What do you think?

What does this mean to you?

How can this help you through your personal challenges?

I look forward to hearing your interpretation.

Let Me Ask You Why?

Mike, my tennis student, was consistently missing his forehand into the net under pressure situations, and kept insisting he knew what the problem was...

"My racquet head is too closed during contact, my wrist isn't snapping enough, I keep decelerating, and my follow-through isn't big enough."

First of all... WAY TOO MUCH INFO! Unfortunately, though, all that information he gave was exactly right. He was missing his shots because, mechanically, those parts of his forehand weren't working properly. I say unfortunately because knowing these reasons for the errors are why he can't fix them under pressure. He continuously falls into the trap of trying to fix his mistakes by looking at his mechanics first, rather than viewing them as a direct result of something else. I call this the "band aid treatment." It's often only a temporary fix, quenching his thirst for a short time, but making him miss the bigger picture... the true fix, and the real question he should be asking:

"Why do I consistently make those same errors under pressure?"

When he learns to ask that question... and only then, will he truly conquer those specific mistakes. The answer will always come~ but after we ask the question. In this case... why! Mike's mechanics were breaking down because he viewed those pressure situations as moments "not to fail." In other words, he was afraid to stay aggressive during the most pressure filled parts of his matches, which naturally made him passive and hesitant, resulting in missed opportunities. In his mind, though, he instinctively wanted to remedy the physical mistakes he knew were happening, instead of examining the mental and emotional aspects of his play that triggered the physical errors.

We don't have to be athletes for this concept to take shape in our lives. What is it that we need to ask why about more often? Is there a solution in our relationships, business and other personal aspects of our lives that could be remedied simply by seeing the why?

Do we hide from the why in order to ignore the real challenges... knowing that if we asked why, we'd find the true answers~ maybe answers we don't want to find? Or is it simply that we didn't even know to ask why, as in Mike's case?

I believe we've been trained to look for the easiest answer~ the answer that's right in front of our face. Sometimes, the simplest solutions are the correct solutions... but very often, we need to look deeper~ work backwards from the why, trusting those scary backwards steps will lead us to our truest, most sincere answers.

I'm Not Done!

I was born with something~ something that made me... umm... well... me... I'm not done.

I quickly learned when I was 16 months old that I loved to play with any kind of ball~ tennis, basket, base, soccer, and golf... I'm not done.

When I was in 3rd grade, I came to realize that I loved cheering for, and helping the underdog. I hated when others made fun of him... I'm not done.

Later that same year, it was made quite clear (by the kid who was picking on me) that I hated fighting.... I'm not done.

My teacher once told me that I wouldn't ever be good in math because I "wasn't given that gift." It made me sad and killed my confidence, but my dad always helped me... He's not done.

I've always competed at EVERYTHING with extreme passion, never quitting~ will never understand those who do quit... I'm not done.

I love to teach, but love to learn from those I teach even more.... I'm not done.

I've had the pleasure of battling self-consciousness and fear ~ and winning... I'm not done.

Ego has introduced himself, befriended and made me believe he's my master. I'm learning to laugh in his face, one day at a time... I'm not done.

Taking risks haven't been the priority in the past, but is slowly becoming one... I'm not done.

Quietly listening to those I disagree with has been a weakness, but is something that will be my strength... I'm not done.

My sleeves are covered in emotions that love to be shown off to the world. Sometimes, though, I shouldn't show the world... I'm not done.

Lately, I've been seen talking with Peace, Calm, and Rest... I'm not done.

Becoming successful has always been important, but defining that word has taken on a life of it's own... I'm not done.

My #1 goal of all time: Being the best husband and daddy I know how to be. Liane and Logan are who I wake up for in the morning...

I'll never be done!

What's Your Definition Of "It"

I've been home sick for the last few days, which gave me a lot of time to think about... uhh... errr... every-freakin-thing imaginable! Don't get me wrong, I like a lazy day on the couch as much as the next person, but three days ~ H.E.L.P! 

I couldn't help but think about how much waffling I've been doing lately. I think I've gotten a little complacent, making me relax, resulting in ... NOTHING! I hate that word. "Nothing" bothers me more than "negative somethings." Nothing means I'm not accomplishing anything, which means I'm wasting, resulting in... yep ~ Nothing! So I got to some more thinking about what to do about this nothing I've been doing so well. 

Answer: IT! 

What's this "It" thing, and why is this our answer? It's anything and everything we want It to be at the time we want It to be. It will make Nothing disappear... all we have to do is make a choice, live by that choice, and make It happen. Decide to do It right now, no hesitations, no excuses. Commit and execute It like never before. Make It our top priority, even if It means we get laughed at, scrutinized, or told It's impossible. It doesn't have to make the Earth stop spinning... It just has to make us feel as if we're accomplishing, helping, or giving. 

It makes us do~ will never allow us to sit. What is It again? It's that thing we've been wanting to do since we were kids, but have always put off for the "perfect time." "It's never been the right time."  It could be the business we've always wanted to start, but were to afraid due to the potential failure. It could simply be to tell our husband, wife and kids that we love them more often.

What's your definition of It?

Is It the weight you've always wanted to lose, but have been reluctant because of the lifestyle change that would take place? To those reading, who've already taken on this personal challenge: I commend and respect you more than words will ever say. You're a true inspiration! To those reading, wishing this could be you: Do It. Do It now! Why not? Don't let Nothing take control... kick it in it's negative arse!

For me, It's always about branching out... creating more, helping more, learning more. Unfortunately It met Nothing for a brief time, which made It hang back for awhile. Thank goodness I got sick, allowing me to see It was waiting for me to get rid of this damn Nothing. 

A few years ago It was shaving my hair down to a stubble, because since I was a kid, I'd been in a fist fight with Self-Conscious. My hair was thick and wavy, which gave those cruel boys and girls something to make fun of. As I grew older, I found myself spending more time in the bathroom than any girl I ever knew ~ this had to stop... I had to stop caring what others thought, and It needed to happen now! When It was finished with that electric razor, I had never felt more free! It took almost 28 years, but It finally beat the crap out of Self-Conscious!

When we look back, will we say we did more of It?

Energy + Energy = More Energy!

I wasn't planning on writing anything this morning, but felt I had to share. I just got off the phone w/ a "new friend" of mine who was talking about the pain he's going through. The details of his challenges are unimportant, but the emotion of the conversation is what I wanted to write about. 

The energy he conveyed, even though it was a negative, painful energy was inspiring. I know "inspiring" is usually saved for positive experiences, but positive is relative and comes in many different shades. The fact that he found enough confidence to make the phone call and expose himself inspired me and made me feel incredible energy. Energy is the one thing we all share with everyone and everything on the planet~ everything, when you break it down to it's raw form, is pure energy. The emotion he was exuding had become contagious, making me want to help him... or at the very least, just listen and validate. 

His energy made me feel energetic, wanting to share it with you... hopefully the cycle will continue. I think it's important for us to be aware of the energy we're giving off to others, negative or positive because it definitely has it's affects. My wife, for example, is extremely sensitive to people's energy and emotions, making her experience what they're feeling. It's actually something she can't control, which is a wonderful gift, but can be a challenge too. If she doesn't attempt to put a "wall" around herself sometimes, it can be overwhelming. Imagine having the ability to consume other's energy, emotions and feelings, internally experiencing their pain or joy... 

Actually, you DO have this power.

We all have this ability, yet some are just more in tune with the process... just as we all have the ability to give off our energy to others. Energy begets energy, which is why we should always try to make others feel our most positive and creative emotions. We rarely focus on how our feelings affect other people, which very often makes us react without thinking of the possible consequences. 

Here's a lesson I learned from a teacher of mine, regarding "linking." Linking is is what happens to us unconsciously when we experience something enough times over and over.

A man comes home from work in a great mood... but when he walks in the house, his wife greets him and explains what a horrible, frustrating day she had. They talk, and eventually move on.

The next two days, the same man comes home in great moods once again... but his wife had more horrible, frustrating days and explains the details to him the minute he walks in the door. Three days in a row: Good mood man sees bad mood woman first thing.

The fourth day, same man walks in the door after having a wonderful day... sees his wife, and before she can say a word, he immediately turns into a grump. He begins complaining about this and that, and all the things that have been bothering him. His wife didn't say a thing before he began ranting~ actually, she was about to explain to him about the incredible day she had. It didn't matter though, because all he felt was negative emotion when looking at her.

Linking energy and emotion is real, and very powerful. The first thing he saw and listened to when he walked in the door for three days in a row was her negativity, so he was unknowingly being linked to her negative emotions. When he walked in the door on the fourth day, just looking at her turned him into a complaining machine. He didn't do this on purpose to "get back at her." This was totally an unconscious decision~ he was linked to her negativity. This happens all the time with couples, but very often goes unnoticed~ continuing a cycle of crap! 

If negativity can be linked, then positivity can definitely be passed along too. How different would our world be if we made it our top priority to link positive emotions to our neighbors?

Mindsets!

They're Everywhere...

... Glimpses of what could be if we let down, become lazy, get cocky or arrogant, and think "it'll" never happen to us. Reminders are always there... reminding us!

     

"Hi, my name is Divorce, and I'm just around the corner if you settle for less than you deserve."

"What's up? You've seen me here and there~ I'm Poor Health, both physical and emotional."

"Remember me? I haven't been around for awhile, but I'm coming back because you've ignored my big brother, Selfless. Yep, it's me... Mr. Selfish! Good to see you again."

"My master, Poor Health wanted me to stop by real quick and shake your hand. Just wanted you to know I'm always there if you need me. Cigarette is what I go by."

"I've noticed you've lost your smile lately~ thank goodness... I've always hated that dude! Feel free to stop by and say hi to Anger, Grudge, Hate, Jealousy, and our biggest success... Fear."

"Don't listen to those guys~ Fear is definitely popular, but I'm the biggest winner against confidence and true happiness. A lot has been written about me, and how to defeat me, yet most still fail to recognize their power against me. Ego's my name, and controlling human decisions and mindsets is my game!"

I think it's safe to say we've all met these villains many times in our lives... some of us live every day, feeling dominated by their perceived powers, while others are attempting to release their grip from our wrists... looking for reminders strong enough to snap their tight hold~ they exist everywhere, and come in all shapes, sizes and colors! I was recently reminded how good my "bad" really is by two homeless people and a teenager who was holding his hand out in desperation. 

These reminders are all around us, but unfortunately often wear disguises, reminding us how easy it would be to fall back into old habits that once kept us from achieving. They knock on our doors, dress nicely, smile big and promise to make dreams come true. Our dilemma  will always be trying to differentiate  between the reminders that want to destroy us, and those that truly hope to help.

It could be the older woman in the grocery store who's asking for help, or maybe the husband and wife with their brand new baby boy, walking past us on the street. It might be the couple who just can't get along, fighting about nothing... yet fighting about everything. It's irrelevant what it is that reminds us to stay on "our path"~ It should be about keeping our eyes open for those hints.

In conclusion, let me remind myself to remind you to look for those reminders that will remind you to stay discipline!

Huh?? 

Say again...

It's All About The Quotation Marks...

I was taking my little Logan for a walk Saturday morning, when I began thinking about the "bad" week I've had. I put bad in quotations because it's just another way of saying,

"Hey nimrod~ you live in beautiful Southern California, married to a gorgeous and brilliant woman, have an angelic daughter, love your first two babies (Tango and Smudge kitties), have an awesome job, and are allowed to help a lot of wonderful people. What's so bad about that... nimrod?"

Wow, when I put it like that to myself, it really does put things into perspective.

I took that walk at 10am, and was able to put those quotes around bad at 11:30am ~ as I walked by a homeless man who was talking to himself, witnessed a homeless woman digging through the trash, and saw a teenager with his underfed dog on a street corner, begging for change. 

Did I seriously say I had a "bad" week? Really? I should be ashamed of myself! It's so easy to get wrapped up in the things that we don't have, forgetting everything we DO have. It doesn't matter who we are, where we live, how much money we do/don't have, or any of our specific circumstances... someone is always worse-off! Someone, somewhere would give anything to have our "bad" days, weeks, months and years. 

After walking for awhile, I finally had to stop, pull Logan over to the side, take her out of her stroller and give her a huge kiss. I reminded her to always remember how good we have it and how blessed we are! 

"Look around, sweetie," I said. No, she doesn't speak yet, but she definitely understands me. "You have it made! You have a big roof over your head, clothes to keep you warm, a mommy who adores you, and the most handsome, thoughtful, kind, handsome, selfless, handsome daddy EVER!"

Sure, our lives won't be perfect~ we'll have our ups and downs, laugh a lot, cry a little... but I'll take these "bad" weeks for the rest of my life!!!

You Never Know!

Life is about mindset, how you view things, and what you choose to ... (fill in the blank). The greatest news anyone can ever hear is, "we get to choose!" We can believe, or not believe... it's up to us.

Recently, at the local grocery store, I found myself speechless (and for me, this rarely happens). While shopping for some sort of drink, I noticed a woman trying to reach something that was obviously too high for her... but no one would help her. She looked homeless, or at the very least, in desperate need of clean clothes. Since everyone was walking by, as if they were "too good" to help her, I walked over and offered my assistance ~ why isn't this obvious for more of us? 

After I handed her the bottle she was struggling to reach at the very top shelf, she looked at me with the softest, kindest eyes I've ever seen, gave me a hug, and in a thick Scottish accent, whispered something in my ear that will stay with me forever...

"I'm here to share the news ~ good deeds are prayers with wings. Keep giving, my new friend."

Chills instantly shot through my body. She had something about her ~ something that was unexplainable. You may say I just ran into a nice, older lady... but I think there may have been more than meets the eye.

I'm not saying I know, because I don't know... but you never know!

A few winters ago, my wife and I were driving home from a long road trip late at night, and during a huge rain storm. Winters in Southern California aren't a big deal, but sometimes it does get below freezing ~ this was one of those times.

The entire way home, I was feeling really nervous for some reason, and kept asking for protection from "whoever was watching." I've driven in heavy rain before, but this night was different~ the road was crowded, and cars were flying down the freeway. In Southern Cali., people don't have a clue how to drive in the rain. 

30 minutes from home, I got extremely sleepy but didn't think I needed to stop. I've never been tired enough to stop before and we were almost home... so I was going try to make it. Liane kept asking me if I was sure I could make it without falling asleep. I assured her I could do it. I wouldn't put our lives in danger in order to save a few minutes. She continued to ask, though, as if she didn't trust me. There was one more exit to pull off and rest before we would hit a long stretch of freeway, with nowhere to stop. One last time (about 100 yards from the exit), she asked again if I needed to rest. I told her... ONE MORE TIME... that I was fine, and was going to drive home. By this time, the temperature had dropped below freezing, and was raining harder than ever.

As we were about to pass the off ramp, my car began to pull off the freeway. This of course happened very quickly, but remember I didn't want to stop, so it felt like we were in slow motion. Yes, my hands were physically turning the steering wheel to the right and off the road, but my mind wasn't. I didn't want to pull over, so obviously I wondered why I just did. Before I knew it, I had taken the last exit off the freeway. How did that just happen? Since I got off, I decided to find a gas station, and take a 20 minute nap. 

As we got back on the freeway going home, we notice something crazy had happened: At least 20 cars had spun off the road into ditches and were flipped over on their sides. Come to find out, immediately after the last exit that "I" decided to pull off, all the cars hit a huge patch of black ice, creating a 20 car pile-up... I was spared. 

I'm not saying I know, because I don't know... but you never know!

Pressure's Letter To Me...

I recently found a letter that Pressure wrote to me as I was learning the power I had over stressful situations. I wanted to share it with you. 

Dear Dayne,

My name is Pressure, and I make my living torturing the vulnerable and weak minded. Little do these people know -- I actually don't have any power whatsoever. I've done much soul searching as of late, and I've come to realize that I need to come clean. I attack athletes, personal relationships, grades in school, job productivity, and much more. There's no one I don't touch... but the ones I love to attack most are those who give in to my perceived power. Many people feel me, yet still choose to feed me.

I'm going to tell you a little secret, but you have to promise not to tell anyone, ok? I know, I know... I said I wanted to come clean, but I'm having a difficult time with that still. (shhh - I'm going to whisper it to you just in case more are listening). If this secret gets out to public, I'll be completely useless and won't have anyone to pick on. My secret: I'm really not something you should be afraid of, and I'm definitely not your enemy. You should embrace me ~ I'm your most powerful weapon, and if used properly, I can make you stronger than you've ever imagined.

The key to unlocking your potential is deciding how to view me. If, when you look at me, see opportunities for failure and embarrassment, I'll destroy you. I'll make you think twice and constantly doubt yourself... selfishly speaking, thank goodness many view me this way. If they didn't, I would cease to exist as a fear-based weapon against them. 

On the other hand, if you look at me, Pressure, as a motivating tool ~ a way to become more focused, using me to push yourself further and harder, I'll take you to levels you've only dreamed of... hopefully, you won't choose this option.

When you see me walking your way, invite me to walk with you... become my friend and learn everything there is to know about me. Figure out what makes me tick, and you'll quickly find that I can be your biggest supporter and contributor to personal success. The only thing you should fear when I come around... is the fear you feel when I come around. Fear creates doubt, which will always make me stronger, eventually stealing all of your potential. Instead, put your arm around me and invite all of my friends to join us ~ understand that the more Pressure you feel, the more success you can potentially acquire. Again, it's all about how you choose to use me.

Example time:

If you're attempting to lose weight, and feel me tapping you on the shoulder, wanting you to eat that forbidden food... use my power against me, turning it into an opportunity to grow your confidence by NOT eating that specific food. Use my nagging as motivation to become more discipline, taking one more step towards your goals.

When you're competing as an athlete, and find me in your head giving  you negative messages, tell me NO... turn me on myself. Take my negativity and switch it to opportunity ~ an opportunity to grow and turn the situation into a confidence builder. Every time you switch pressure into opportunity, you build confidence... simultaneously destroying mine. 

If you're having difficulty with test anxiety, because I'm always there reminding you of the negative consequences  of poor grades... use me to turn your fears into clarity. Use me, Pressure, to intensify your focus, concentrating on answering that one question at a time. All you ever have is one question to answer, one problem to solve. Don't allow me to keep feeding your mind full of what-ifs... instead, use me to fuel your concentration levels, resulting in pure clarity and peace within.

My name is Pressure, and I'm your best friend.

Please don't tell anyone!

Fear

Let me preface this by saying that I know fear as well as anyone ever has. I used to be best friends with this piece of (bleep)... but no more. No more do I listen, although I must say it still whispers in my ear, sticks it's hand out in friendship, and reminds me that it'll always be there if I want to come back. 

Sorry... no deal! I'm never going back!

FEAR.   fear.   Fear.   f-E-a-R.   feaR. 

F

E

A

R

reaf. earf. aref. frea.

F..... E..... A....... R

It doesn't matter what shape it takes or how it's spelled... fear means what it means, and does what it always does.

It's strong and powerful, yet weak and fragile~ all at the same time. To some... fear looks, feels and tastes like a force that will always win... can't lose... is impossible to conquer!

To others... fear is an illusion, created by the mind, performed by the imagination, but squashed by conscious decisions~ decisions that say, 

"No! I won't listen. I won't give in to it's temptations and it's attempts to paralyze me."

Fear surrounds us, tries to engulf us, all while telling us that we must listen. And if we don't listen, fear makes us believe we'll fail miserably, and look foolish in the eyes of those watching. Fear can be as giant as a skyscraper, but can also be as fragile as wet paper. 

The good news... we get to choose which shape it takes! We're in control of whether or not that word (that's all it really is) affects our decisions, moods, speech ~both to ourselves and to others. We can live without fear... so why do so many of us choose to befriend it?

Answer: Fear!

So, if that's the answer... let me ask a few more questions: What will we do when it knocks again? What will we say when we answer the door? What language will we use when it asks us those important questions? What actions will we take... or choose not to take? Does fear even have a voice when it looks us in the face? 

I don't know you, so I'll never pretend to answer for you, but for me... fear will always be there lurking, waiting and hoping, but I'll never give it the satisfaction. You see, I can't afford to talk to fear ever again. My daughter's counting on me to stand up and teach her how to fight quietly against this villain. She needs my example of strength in order to reinforce her power against (that word) when it comes knockin... and you better believe it'll come knockin.

F-e-a-r?  FEAR? FeaR? 

What shape will it take for you?