Monday, November 29, 2010

Your Story: "Epiphany"


Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving. There's so much to be thankful for. Remember to focus on what we have, rather than dwelling on what we don't.

This next story is about the fight. Phil's found his truth... his epiphany!

Email me Your Story at dgingo@cox.net.



"Epiphany"


Hi, my name is Phil. I'm a survivor!

I'm a survivor of hate and prejudice, of a society that believes beauty is skin deep, and a person's self worth is based on their appearance.

I’m a survivor of an abusive father and two suicide attempts. But more importantly, I’m a survivor of my own doubts and fears.

You see, I've always been the largest child / adult in a group and I can't really recall a time when I wasn't.  The sad things is that over the years I'd convinced myself that I didn't care about my size, and that I was happy and content with my life. I had tried in the past to lose weight, but whenever I'd failed (which I always did), I simply convinced myself that it didn't really matter, and that I was happy with my size. I was only doing it to please my friends and family.

So what changed? 

Really, my story begins in the summer of 2008. I'd rejoined Weight Watchers and had been following the plan for several months.  I'd been quite successful and had lost just over 50 lbs in weight. However, by mid-January of 09', I was feeling really depressed. Despite having some very close friends, I just felt so alone and unable to convey or communicate my feelings to anyone - so much so, that by mid March I was contemplating suicide. By the end of March, my feelings of self-loathing and hate for myself drove me to take an overdose Obviously, I failed. I also failed with my second attempt, which occurred in mid-April.  Despite these failures, my feelings hadn't changed and I was determined to end my life. Through all this, I just wouldn't talk to anyone.  At the end of April, I prepared for another attempt. No one at that time knew that I had attempted to kill myself, but my feelings of inadequacy and loathing continued to grow day by day.  I continued to become more distant from friends, and would deny anything was wrong when they approached me in concern. In my own head, I thought that they were just being kind to me out of pity. I wondered how anyone could like someone so disgustingly obese.  I was desperate and just wanted it to be over. 

So what changed?

Well, I saw a music video on YouTube.  Now it probably sounds silly that one song could have changed someone's path so radically, especially one so self-destructive. Certainly it wasn't the only thing that happened to divert my course, but it was the catalyst.  It was like a release. I watched the video almost hundreds of times, sobbing my heart out. I rang the Samaritans, and more importantly I told my friends. I confided in the people that I trusted the most and they gladly shared my burden.  On May 13th 2009, I walked into my Weight Watchers meeting, and for the first time got on the scales feeling that I was doing this for me. Win or lose, this was my journey, this was my climb, and my mountain to overcome.  The last 18 months haven't always been a smooth ride. There have been trips and falls along with all the successes, but more importantly, the journeys continuing. I'm not perfect and I hope I never will be, but I definitely had an epiphany.  Self Worth comes from within not from other peoples opinions!! We're all individual, unique and wonderful.

Oh and the song that changed it all for me  was "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus:
 "It's not about the Destination, It's about The Climb"


Phil
Phil-theincredibleshrinkingman.blogspot.com

5 comments:

Rettakat said...

"Self worth comes from within."

Once you finally started doing it for YOU, it all changed. I totally relate to that.

You went through so much, and yet you had the courage to reach out and try once more. It really is all in the mindset, and it sounds like you are in a better place now, Phil.

And NO, not silly at all. I love the message in that song, too!! Very meaningful to me. I sign off every post with: Enjoy the journey.

My best to you, Phil.
Loretta
=^..^=

Phil-theincredibleshrinkingman said...

thanx, I have a completely new outlook now, sometimes I still find myself heading to that wrong place but I'm blessed to have so many wonderful and supportive friends who refuse to give up on me.

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