Sunday, November 7, 2010

Your Story: "So Much Pain"


When I asked for Your Stories, I knew there would be a few heart-wrenching reads... this is one. As I read, I could almost see her clenched fists, her gritted teeth, and her tears. I could feel her heart breaking with every word typed. There's so much pain in this young woman's life, yet she hasn't quit. She's a fighter, and now a teacher!


Thank you so much, Lauraa. I've read Your Story 7 times already.

Email me Your Story at dgingo@cox.net. Keep 'em coming. You send them... I'll post them!



"So Much Pain"

When I moved to Australia from New Zealand, my family consisted of my mother, father, sister and myself. My mother has a severe case of borderline personality disorder, along with various mental and physical conditions that burden her daily existence. 

My mother has been suffering with depression since childhood and became an alcoholic from a young age. She resorted to various drugs to ease the pain of her difficult lifestyle, and even resorted to numerous suicide attempts (ever since her adolescence). My mother’s mental illness is unavoidable and overwhelming for the whole family. 


Shortly after I commenced High school, my family broke apart and my parents divorced. My parents, through no fault of their own, considering the circumstances, placed a lot of the tension on me. Me, being an impressionable, nervous and homesick 13 year old, similarly began to spiral along with them. This is where my cycle of depression, body dysmorphic disorder, and recurring bouts of eating disorders initiated their godforsaken presence within my life. After they separated, my mother could not withstand the pressure of another break up in her life, once again turning to alcohol as a result. I lived with her alone at this stage, as my older sister couldn't cope with the burdens of my mother's illnesses and suicide attempts. Therefore, from the age of 13, I became my mother's full time caretaker, stopping her from meeting fate through her own means, or as a result of her numerous heart conditions, etc.

Anyway, that's the basis of where I am today: A young girl with a bitter distaste for the world, and with a debilitating fear of growing up. Maybe that's because, through my experiences, I was forced to age beyond my biological years. Or maybe it's because I feel as though I wasted my entire youth being terrified of the world and hiding away. Either way, it's debilitating.  
I read a quote today that made me really think:

"Don't regret getting old; It's a privilege denied to many."

Because I've spent the last few years hiding away in my socially anxious bubble, getting older and graduating has really, really unnerved me -- to be honest, it's something that relentlessly gnaws at me. It means that I'll be forced to go out into the world. It means I have to get a job. It means I'll have to get tertiary education of some sort. It means I have to leave my feelings of security behind.

I feel as though this could possibly make or break me, 'cause at the moment, the mere thought of these things gives me palpitations. 
Maybe I need to be forced, because I don't particularly trust myself with my own life. Something needs to change - all I do at the moment is think about it. 

I really need a foundation to get myself going. In all honesty, attempting to articulate "my story" in the length of an email and battling writer's block, I've come to the realisation that I still do have a chance at life.

I am only 17.

Only 17.


9 comments:

Lauraa said...

Thank you for posting it and saying such beautiful things :)
It means a lot.
It really does.

Dayne Gingrich said...

Lauraa...

I'm floored that you sent me this. My email has exploded today with long messages about this post.

You're unbelievably strong... especially for being 17. ONLY 17!

What a powerful last line of yours.

Dayne

Amy said...

seriously... the last line is so simple but so powerful. I was stopped in my tracks as i was reading it. i really love this post.

Lauraa said...

Goodness me! What are the messages asking/saying? If you don't mind me asking?

Dayne Gingrich said...

They're asking if I know more about you and Your Story. This post really touched a lot of people... which is EXACTLY why I wanted to do this.

Everyone has mentioned your last line: "I'm 17. Only 17."

They want personal info about your life, as if I've known you for years. I really hope you make CoachYourMind a regular stop... maybe you can be a regular contributor here, actually. People are loving you!

Rettakat said...

"..I've come to the realisation that I still do have a chance at life.

I am only 17.

Only 17."

Yes, to read the story, to read her conclusion that she still does have a chance at life. THEN to be hit with: I am only 17.

Totally tears the heart.

Oh Lauraa... please take Dayne up on his offer to write more. He is a sincere guy.. you can trust him, I am totally convinced. You had a beginning in life that "unfair" doesn't even begin to describe. But you have a spark, something in you, that is determined to not only survive, but thrive.

I'd love to read more from you.

Loretta
=^..^=

Lauraa said...

Thank you very much. You guys are truly beautiful people.

Lauraa said...

Dayne, did you get my email? :)

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